Raw Notes - Blog Post Idea: Anatomy of Overthinking
Core Concept
Mental blockers that stop me from contributing to corporate conversations. I have over analyzed my frustrated self and found a couple of patterns, because this is what minds do.
The Three Patterns
- Not stating the obvious
- I generally refrain from stating the obvious (according to me) observations
- Results: someone else makes them instead of me, putting me in defensive position
- Not everything obvious to me is obvious to everybody
- Sometimes puts me as ignorant of the situation
- Main reason for hesitation: when someone points out the obvious, I get offended, like “don’t you think I know that”
- I avoid doing this to others, so I stay silent
- Makes me furious - being defensive or perceived as not knowing it
- Tautology checking before speaking
- I think before I speak, always checking if what I’m saying is a tautology
- Or if the opposite of what I’m saying is complete garbage/nonsense
- Corollary to first item but slight difference
- If I take the high ground in a debate, I’m not moving the conversation further
- I force my counterpart to agree, or elaborate what I say, which is lazy or misleading to me
- So I dive into details to find something that is opinionated, something I can advocate and someone can advocate against
- Makes my rhetoric always sharp/very opinionated and dividing the conversations
- Hatred of vague “should” statements
- I hate with all my gut discussions or ‘opinions’ that state vaguely how things should be
- In undetermined time, with unmeasurable effort
- Examples: “The product should be easy to use. The team should play better and score more. We should have less bugs. Kids should not spend too much time on TV.”
- My evolution with this trigger:
- First: attacked them, grilling for details/structure until they give up
- Then: mocked them by doubling down with futile hope of mirroring their nonsense
- Then: ignored completely, which made me look like I was ignoring good advice
- Now: less shy of saying how things should be, without thinking about how and when
Key Insights
The contradiction in pattern #3: “The rich should pay more tax. The wars should not hurt civilians. The product should have aha moments and be sticky.”
- By not making these statements, I do not send the right message and look like I don’t know
- So instead of waiting for the plan, knowledge or discussing hows, I make statements about the world that would never be
- Makes me look smarter, people agree easily since I don’t say anything dividing
- What I say is obvious and easily grasped and grants me credibility
The work context (CTO perspective):
- Friend conversations have no destination, happy to go where conversation takes me
- “When was the last time you schedule a project catchup with friend and took notes?”
- In work there is a goal, destination to reach, rights and wrongs, and time is going on
- “I have limited heartbeats, which I sometimes feel like people are stealing”
Playing the game:
- Be a good team player
- Do not get (visibly) triggered by these patterns
- Use them from time to time because the cost of not using them is sometimes really high
- Still do intense conversation, ask good/open questions but do not go into overthinking straight
- Listen, agree more. Always leave the meeting happy and positive, talk less
My evolution:
- Analyzed my hatred and concluded it is unfounded mostly
- Need to learn to live with it and even embrace some of it, since it’s also blocking myself to elaborate on topics
- Still get irritated when they are the only thing we talk about
- Now use them strategically
- The silence is more powerful and makes everyone interacting with me nervous
- Better to look a bit ignorant sometimes than intense and intimidating all the time
The height analogy: “I will never get rid of my overthinking (I always think like it is my height, not my weight, I am just tall)”
Questions to explore:
- What does the face of someone look like when they’re about to say something obvious but think it’s insightful?
- What’s the specific body language when people are “talking to think” versus actually communicating?
- How do you feel in your actual chest/stomach when someone steals your heartbeats with a vague “should” statement?
- What would it look like to get really specific about one actual meeting where you saw all three patterns play out?
Potential angles:
- The whole post is to reveal my overthinking pattern and shift my intensity towards more facilitator
- Only bringing intensity when I really think it would help
- About workplace communication patterns in C-level peer dynamics
- The recursive hell of overthinking about overthinking